My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
