Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
