WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
