I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
She tied me up with her honor cords...
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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