ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
