I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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