He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
