The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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