you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
