Banned from zoo.
Again?
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
