He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
