the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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