Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
