to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
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