I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
