When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
