fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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