Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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