How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Randomize
