How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
