They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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