Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
