i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
