I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
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