Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
