You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Holy sore nipples Batman
Randomize
