god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
