which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
