Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
