You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
