under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
