Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
The best revenge is premature balding
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
where are my pants?
in the oven.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
