i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
