My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Randomize
