Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
