youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
