Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
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