Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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