i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
