fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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