She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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