I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
