you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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