blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
