i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Just invented taco cereal.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
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