John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
