I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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