remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
