She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
