dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
